Wollombye!

So this stint of WWOOFing has come to an end, one month after it started. Time seems to be flying by as my 6 months in Oz merges to number 7 and the next chapter of my Adventure begins... after Christmas and New Year.

Santa shows us what the poor kids are getting this year...

Monday saw Lesley and Ruby go off to Sydney, so I was home alone, (sort of, Banjo was still here) with a few jobs to do including some paid work with Nico. For 4 and a half hours I was whipper snipping around an orchard (or two) like a baws,  but the weather was doing what it has always been doing this ‘summer’ and the ominous grey sky meant we’d have to finish grass cutting tomorrow, bloody weather. My opinion of the rain can best be summed up by this poem...

Rain rain go away,

Come again another day,

Or so the poem goes,

For everybody hates the rain,

Whether in verse or prose.

                                                          Ryan Whitwell, 2010

Tuesday and the bloody weather was OK, so for another 3 and a half hours I was back doing what I started yesterday and this time finishing before the temperature decided to rise to a level it is supposed to be at this time of year, so I was spared sweating to death. Nico and I went to the pub for a few cheeky beers after work and I was paid for a job well done. Remember how I was replacing a Nepalese guy? If you don’t remember me writing that then I was doing the work that some Nepalese guy was too unreliable to do and apparently I am a better worker than him. So $160 heavier I was feeling kind of chuffed, then I remembered I had to do some removalling for a couple of residents the next day... Joy.

Wednesday came around quickly and the day was spent moving stuff for a couple of Wollombi residents before they are forced to leave their rented property for reasons I don’t fully understand. Lesley and Ruby returned from Sydney and after the revisiting of my removalist skill base we had a BBQ and a few beers, then naturally we discussed various topics from Australia’s constant need to dig up minerals and sell them, to the subject of how terrible American actors are compared to British ones and how John Fogherty got screwed by the record label. I met a few more locals and had a right laugh with a guy called Brett, who was the crudest of all the people I have met so far over here. He did mention something about Lesley possibly having a ‘title’? Which is difficult to believe, but not impossible...hmmm... Anyway, I got my first Christmas present from Polina (previously misspelled ‘Pauletta’ due to my amazing name remembering powers) and Ilmar for helping them move (it’s obviously a CD, but Polina told me it is Ilmar’s old band from Russia, which is something I'm looking forward to hearing). Nico gave me a lift back to Lesley's and on the way we swerved around my first sighting of a Wombat, by the looks of it they are fat, slow and don’t know the green cross code as it didn't even bother to stop or even look up as we veered around the thing.

Stupid wombats

The next day I was tasked with dragging some dead trees out of the meadow and removing a lot of thistles from near a pond. Sounds pretty straight forward, but those two jobs ended up taking 6 hours thanks to some bloody big trees that needed to be cleared. As I worked I re-evaluated my ‘plan’ to visit Melbourne on the way to Tasmania. My original plan had me buying a car, but due to the expense of such a thing I have since decided to hold fire on that one. I am now wondering if I should do fruit picking in Victoria, save some money, then visit Tasmania... Even after a good ol' think I am unsure but a recent email from the place in Tasmania I wanted to stay asking me to ‘enquire about spaces closer to [end of January]’ has made me think playing it safe by calling some farms near Melbourne and work there would be the better option rather than gamble on Tasmania... I’ll decide after Christmas.

Oh yeah, Christmas. Well as it is the night before the night before Christmas it is probably a good time to wish all the people I know a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

So what have I learned over the past month? Well, lots of things, the kindness of strangers is something that will always surprise, I’m ‘cute’, the dentist’s office in Finding Nemo is on a spot where there are no dentists, I can beat the crap out of a cactus with minimal thorn based injuries, I love photography, moving a piano is OK as long as it is staying on the ground floor, moving a pile of timber is OK as long as you have a ute and a trailer, Russians like to insult people by suggesting they have small wrinkly cocks, it always rains in Wollombi - no exceptions, Christmas means Sydney traffic will be horrendous until January and I have no pension.

And what was the soundtrack for my first ever WWOOFing experience? Sia, 'Some People Have Real Problems', an album that both Nico and Lesley have played everyday since I first heard it after getting back from Hawks Nest. So ladies and gentlemen, here’s Sia with ‘Little Black Sandals’ ...

I know it's slow and the sort of thing my Mum would like, but I have heard it every day that I haven't had my  iPod on me to play something like this...

Rob Zombie, something my Mum won't like and so the equilibrium is restored.

Today is my final full day here in the valley and it has been the usual deal, do some labouring for a few hours, then it rains...

Too hot to dig...

Too wet to do anything outside.

I am particularly annoyed this time because I was tasked with building a barbecue for later today, which was going to be a pre Christmas thing for us and a few others. I was quite happy digging away a flat area with a raised centre that the barby would be built upon using bricks. I went with Lesley to wash a couple of horses as they had rain scolding or something, then Ruby went to see Santa outside the shop at Wollombi and then that familiar rumble bellowed from behind a hill and in no time the rumbles were directly overhead as the rain thumped the earth and scuppered any chance of me finishing/using a  barbecue... bloody weather.

Tomorrow I shall be back in Sydney for about a week to see in the new year, I still know not where I'll be when 2012 rings in, then I'm going to Melbourne, but I will have to think about whether to stay there or head straight for Tasmania and hope for the... Oh crap there was a big flash and poor Banjo is doing the usual dog thing as the inevitable thunder crash echoes through the valley... where was I...? Tasmania, yes, maybe, who knows? Until I figure out what I'm going to do in Chapter 3 of my adventure I'll wish you all a Merry Christmas again, no doubt those back in the northern hemisphere are wrapped up warm (except the poor people) and feel a bit more Christmassy than those of us in our rain coats and wellies, kind of makes this picture seem a bit stupid now...

...Doesn't make it any less sexy though! Have a goodun' folks!

Cue AC/DC!

They're gonna ride on your reindeer, honey, and ring the bell!

We're Jammin', I Hope You Like Toohey's New

Yesterday was Friday, and like the old saying goes, 'Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday'. The day involved me getting down to some gardening and cutting grass with machinery, nothing too amazing. Later in the day I went for a quick walk around and upon looking in one particular cave discovered something that I haven't seen before, but did manage to hold my attention for a while.

Pretty cool, right? Well, not 'right' because they're all left hands.

I also had a quick think about theories of evolution, like how some things have disguised themselves as bird poo,

Bird poo with spikes?

And how other things have disguised themselves as dangerous predators, like um... leopards?

Because birds won't eat things that reminds them of cats.

And then I stumbled upon Scotland

Because 'screw you native plants, where's all the Irn-Bru'

So that was the day, the evening was when things became interesting as I was back to doing what I haven't done for a while, drinking beer and seducing ladies. Now, there is an apparent problem with publishing my travel diary online in that anybody can read it, so one often feels they should promote some sort of self censorship, but censorship sucks, so balls to it, here's how my night went.

First up was a few wines at a little gathering of artists and their works. Wollombi is full of artistic types and some of the stuff on display was very good and I have to admit I was very impressed, Lesley even bought a piece. Nico and Lesley were discussing Nico's employee problem, apparently the Nepalese guy currently tasked with helping Nico look after an orchard or four wasn't turning up for work, having regular sick days and generally being a self employed man's worst nightmare, so Lesley suggested I help Nico next week to which Nico added $20 an hour into the deal.... Sold! So hopefully I'll be getting a few pennies to take back to Sydney next weekend for New Year (plans of which are still in a state of flux).
Of course the gallery was just a prologue to the evening that would feature more artistic types, but in the form of music...

Laguna was the place and the Wine Bar was the venue for their fortnightly 'jam night', in which a load of people get together and play songs, it's an open mic night basically. The place filled shortly after our arrival as the jam began to start. Of course there were some players that were better than others, but a tip for any would be performer from me would be 'people like to dance and laugh and sing on a Friday night, so try to avoid doing too many slow songs'. Naturally the 'slow songs' give people a chance to talk over the person on stage and as the beer took hold, frontal lobes did weaken.

Thanks to the marvels of alcohol I was approached by many people as I was not a regular, I was an Englishman, a polite, charming, reserved, 'cute' Englishman that managed to use his charm and wit to attract a fair maiden for the evening, cue music!

She had hair as dark as um... something and her eyes were... a colour, like two shining gems of the same colour as her eyes placed expertly upon a... well, a thing that matches her skin colour which I'm not sure I remember all that well, somewhere between pale and tanned, probably. She was almost feisty and I remember her saying something about being Irish, not sure if she was Irish or somebody else? I'm starting to realise that maybe I could cut this broken image of a woman out of my blog post, the same way Toohey's New has seemingly marred my mind's image of her. She was 28, I remember that because she tried to convince me she was 34 for some reason, I just put it down to her testing me, or something. To be honest I wasn't exactly playing for a long term thing here seeing as I'm a part time nomad that will be far away soon enough, so any stupid thing she said I just went along with because, remember, I'm polite and charming, and up for a good time.

We did drink and dance and flirt until the early hours, she gave me her number, but things became slightly awkward when it came to putting a name to the number... Um... She had mentioned it when we first introduced ourselves, but that was a few beers ago and I didn't realise I needed to remember it for this test... I didn't let on that I was putting the name 'Laguna girl' into my phone and after a few more drunken kisses she drove home, because police? What police? Actually I noticed a lot of revellers entering cars and taking themselves home, but such is village life and there was no other traffic because most of the villagers were at the Laguna Wine Bar. I got a lift back with Nico and the evening was at an end, parts of my memory are dulled and my mild hangover is making me wish I hadn't started writing this blog post just now, but at least you can all read all about how I got pissed and danced around, so I'm glad you took a minute to sit right there and read about how I pulled a girl with black hair.

Oh so fresh.

Of course the music was of a good standard, lots of blues, a bit of country and the kid who lives at the house in which I moved a piano from earlier in the week was on stage at some point playing harmonica.

For now I'm going to do nothing, as is customary on the day after the Friday night before, and steadily recover.

A Walk in the Bush Requires More Than Just Wax

It is officially the coldest start to a summer in Sydney for over 50 years, but today the sun was shining and at around 12 I decided to go for a walk out in the bush as Lesley and Ruby were off to the Australian tennis coach’s house or something (apparently he has a pool). He has a name that tennis fans might recognise, but I don’t care for tennis so I didn’t trouble myself to remember it. I was more concerned by making the most of the dry weather and getting up in them thar hills!

I made a manwich, grabbed a cheeky couple of beers from my half of the crate and took myself and my camera up the side of a hill. The sky was blue and the heat was more than sufficient and I settled into some personal pioneering and scaled a few boulders.

I found a natural seat to have my manwich, saw a lizard on the ground, but upon looking skyward I noticed a swathe of grey entering the vista.

Bear Grylls may think he's tough, but a real man packs a manwich! (To be considered a 'manwich', one's snack must have at least 3 types of meat and a sauce that doesn't sound French forced between two pieces of bread in a way that reminds the eater that presentation means nothing to a real man!)

I thought nothing of the grey sky and I continued climbing towards the peak... it wasn't long into my trek that the delicate sound of thunder silenced the birds and an eerie silence took hold of the hillside before the heavens opened. Once it became apparent that the rain was in no mood to stop, I found some shelter as my outfit was more suited to ‘tropical heat’ rather than ‘tropical storm’, struck a pose, and waited for the ten minute shower to pass.

Always pose nonchalantly when sheltering from rain and only eat the spiders if you were too stupid to pack something to eat, that means you 'Bear'. 

The ground was now slick with the recent rainfall, so climbing rocks was not the smartest idea and seeing as the thunder was still purring nearby I decided to head back down and surrender my adventure to the weather.

A few pictures later I found myself close to base when a particularly strong crash of thunder bellowed from the heavens, a signal that the previous shower was a mere prelude to the onslaught that was to come. I was 30 seconds away from safety when the first rain drops fell, then a barrage of hail stones battered the ground, fortunately I was already at the door when the icy chunks really made their presence felt. They pummelled the roof, made dents in the already soft ground, the accompanying rain was heavy enough to make the gutters spill over and within minutes a torrent of water was running out towards the meadow.

Australia, where the summers are like the summers back home...

...Only with more rain.

A narrow escape, but the real casualty here is my day off, which is now going to be spent reading Moby Dick on my iPod. I would swear vengeance upon the sky, but I’m not bat-shit insane,

I just look that way.

Update: The hail has ceased, but the rain hasn't let up in the slightest for the past 90 minutes... Good thing my iPod is loaded with good old fashioned rock and roll!

How fitting. Is there any situation AC/DC can't be played? 

Funeral? (Highway to Hell, Rock In Peace) 

Getting an STD? (The Jack) 

Humping a fat girl? (Whole Lotta Rosie) 

Wedding? (Damned) 

Space travel? (Satellite Blues) 

Plane crash? (Skies on Fire) 

Having big balls? (Big Balls)

Touching someone too much? (Touch Too Much)

Being back in black? (Back In Black)

Chaos at the European Parliament? (Bedlam In Belgium)

Rejected by a girl? (Shot Down In Flames)

Being a hit-man? (Dirty Deeds, Guns For Hire)

Transgender? (She's Got Balls)

In debt? (Down Payment Blues)

Sex? (Anything Goes, Cover You in Oil, Love At First Feel, Put The Finger On You, Let's Get It Up, Beating Around The Bush, Let Me Put My Love Into You, Sink The Pink)

Contemplating the existence of God? (Who Made Who)

I don't think they've missed anything, I'm impressed.

Waiting for January!

Yep, not much doing recently. I've been fixing fences, ripping cacti apart and destroying Lantanas like it aint no thang...

I see this flower, I rip the entire bush out of the ground! Killing Lantanas is my business... and business is good!

Today I went to Cessnock, didn't notice anything particularly special about it, it's just a town with the usual shops but it was nice to see some buildings that had a second floor and there is an odd comfort to be gotten from a super market, especially when that super market sells Oder-Eater inner soles for my damp and whiffy work boots.

I do sometimes feel I'm treading water now, just waiting for Christmas and New Year to get out of my way so I can continue my Adventure properly. The weather hasn't been brilliant lately either, warrenting the joke 'This British weather' that Australians seem to think is a bad thing. Personally (as a fair skinned ginger day walker) I think the cooler/wetter weather is kind of a good thing because cutting down / ripping out trees isn't something I want to do in 30oC heat.

So... yeah... that's about it. I'm going to be back in Sydney for about a week from Christmas Eve to just after New Year's, then I'm getting out of New South Wales and heading south. Hmmm... Not many jokes  in this post (yes there are jokes in my posts, smart arse), but never fear! For I have pictures and a 'caption option'. So I'll see you next time, same bat time, same bat place.

I don't know what these are, but I'm pretty sure they're some kind of Transformer.

What do you call a guard with 100 legs?
A 'sentrypede'!

"Hi, we're the... Ringo you tit! Turn around!"

Last thoughts: "It's probably nothing"

I did an art! It basically depicts the plight of the working class, as they are often forgotten and is a reminder that the world needs people to put in the ground work or else nothing will work. So stop thinking your middle management job is important, because it isn't. I value this piece at £1 million (O.N.O)

Lions and Tigers and Bears...

The bush, nothing to do with French women or 70's 'adult entertainment', this is the Australian wild, where everything has a warning painted onto them in fluorescent paint and are all much more willing to kick your arse than the critters back in Blighty.

"Ha haa! Nothing can stop my Tuberculosis!"

Of course not everything is aggressive or filled with poison. Kangaroos are Australia's national symbol and the noisiest and least graceful of all the animals. They do little to disguise their whereabouts as they bound through the woods, crashing into every plant, tree, rodent and making a racket. There are plenty around, to the point that many see them as pests, so they are essentially over-grown rabbits that like to eat your veggies if given half a chance (and they are very edible).

Look at all that hopping meat

They are also as timid as rabbits, as the mere sight of movement sees them bound off to crash through the woods. Which is the complete opposite to the mighty Huntsman spider. These guys are not like most spiders as if you stamp your foot near most spiders they scarper, but these guys just stand their ground with a look that basically says,

"I'm more scared of you than you are of me? Let's test that theory..."

The markings on this guy seemed more about camouflage than anything (because that's how huntsmen operate, no webs, just swift and sudden death dealing) but there are some that have a slightly different tactic/evolutionary path,

So... 'Go faster stripes'?

with brightly coloured lures and warnings that are probably there to trick bugs into flying close as they confuse the bright 'high vis jacket' for a pretty flower, or it's there to scare off birds, either way it must work because there were quite a few hanging out on this cactus (which I have to rip out today).

Of course, no night out in the sticks would be complete without the occasional strange noises. The other day I was watering the plants when I heard a noise, not dissimilar to a dying giraffe.

I've seen Jurrassic Park, and once the noise stopped I went back inside where I realised that kangaroos do look a bit like velociraptors, maybe they are just raptors in fur coats waiting to strike!

"Tonight.... You!"

The similarities are uncanny, long tail, big strong legs with smaller arms, an unquenchable blood-lust... They only evolved proper ears so they could hear the cries of their victims more clearly! Hopefully they are still dumb enough to run into reflective surfaces and... Hang on... If anybody steals this idea for a horror movie then I will sue you so hard your Grandmother will feel it!

Who Stopped The Rain?

So for the past few days since I got here the weather has been pretty poor. Constant rain, flooded footpaths and the sound of water hitting the tin roof near 24/7. The grey skies looming forever and no break seeming to appear.

Today however was the reminder that I am indeed in one hell of a hot country as after the clouds spent the final drops the sky cleared quickly and, in a scene that I hadn't seen all week, the Sun burst forth and did her thing. Pummelling fence posts, sawing pipes and digging out weeds is hard work in this heat.

And all that water from the hills has to go somewhere

like in this meadow/marsh.

Not much to report then, but we haven't been flooded in and if the rain stays off the levels by the bridge should drop to less dramatic levels. Of course we have to wait for the water from the hills to flow down before we can be sure, but at least the sky is clear for once! There's more sunshine and sweat scheduled for tomorrow, so I best be up early to get as much done as possible before the Sun gets into her stride. So early night for me tonight, TTFN!

Odd to think it's the first time I've really seen the stars since being in Australia. Thanks a lot light pollution!

Feels Like Home...

Don't worry, I'm not staying here forever or suggesting Stisted is anything like Wollombi, well actually there are some striking similarities. Wollombi is a very small village (spread out over a large area) with a local pub featuring some friendly patrons, that I visited today, not unlike Stisted's pub which features friendly locals, although the beer is slightly better in Stisted, it's proper ale for a start and it's a bit warmer which is something we all could have done with today as the English weather caught up with me.

The green hills are lush for a reason, and that reason is rainfall! And it has been rain-falling for most of the last 24 hours.

Now the title of this post makes more sense. Mud, water and rain.

The rain didn't let up all day as I mulched some more fruit trees, took a ute load of rubbish to the dump with Nico (an Italian guy who's lived around this way for ages) and chopped some wood for the log burner, yes we have resorted to burning logs as the temperature in the valley is a little lower than expected at this time of year.

But what is November without a roaring fire? As an Englishman I see no problem with getting wet socks and working in the rain in November. I have also been invited to maybe help Nico out with his painting/building work and I've met some more artistic types, something Wollombi is full of, and had a nice discussion about how American actors can't act without over doing everything and that the Brits have got acting down to the finest of arts (and that's an Aussie that said that). I didn't mention that I played the Lion in the Wizard of Oz back in the day, I'll save that for another day. I did mention that I can rite wordz realy gud, which led to us all agreeing that an artist cannot create unless they are miserable, hence the amount of alcoholics in the literary world.

"These hangovers are a sign I'm a great writer" - William 'Shakey' Shakespeare

I call this one 'Bug Bath'

I call this one 'Banjo's Backside By Blazing Burner'

For now I'm off to eat some dinner and listen to the rain on the tin roof as the fire burns away. Of course the frogs and crickets are backing up the soundtrack with their vocals/leg rubbing, but the rain is definitely providing the beat. So here's a soggy Ryan signing off, until next time, keep your feet dry!







Update: The rain has ceased for now and dinner was lovelly (I forgot to mention, Lesley was a chef in a past life). I never thought I would ever have a chicken and beetroot lasagne (the beetroot leaves were a good addition).

Chapter 2 : An Elephant I'll Never Forget

So I have left the Elephant Backpacker hostel of Woolloomooloo to continue my adventures without the threat of ridiculous price hikes over December (all the hostels do it, and it just creates another reason to dislike Christmas)

Of course on Sunday a small collective of us went out to have a few farewell beers at Shady Pines and have a quick play with my balls,

Kindly given to me by Matteo.

Obligatory.

Never gets old.

The next day I awoke in 311 for the last time, went to get my hair cut and replace my camera which I found out had broken sometime between Saturday and Sunday. Then back to the hostel to finish the last of my beers and try out my new camera.

Although I will hold some very fond memories of Sydney, I have felt for a while that it's time to move on and the $500 for one week price tag for a hostel bed was the big sign that I had to go and live elsewhere. So at 2:30 I was picked up and on the way to Wollombi, way out in the wild lands of the Hunter Valley....

More placid than wild, but whatever it's better than the traffic and horns of Sydney.

And much better than the hostel.

My hosts for this chapter of my Adventure are Lesley and her 2 year old girl, Ruby, plus the dog, Banjo. On Monday we got back late as we stopped off at various fruit and veg places and had to pick up, then drop off, Julia who lives a bit down the road, but not before we stopped off at the wine bar to have a quick cider and meet some local Thespians, who happen to have just finished their run of 'Street-Car Named Desire'. So not much doing on Monday, just getting here took long enough.

Today, Tuesday, I awoke to the sounds of various song birds and crickets along with my alarm. Later I had a quick tour of the various water pumps and fruit and veg gardens before mucking out the horse pen. Later on I'd find myself mulching a plum tree and having a bit of spare time to take some photos of the other guests around the place.

This guy is quite impressive, but bloody hard to capture on camera!

I have seen a few roos and wallabies hopping about, and even a turtle, but I'm yet to capture those on camera, I'm in no hurry as there's plenty of time for that, and hurrying isn't the way around here! Plus I need to practice some more picture taking with my new camera.

And there's a lot here to practice on.

So here begins the next chapter of my Aussie Adventure in which I begin to work on farms and such and begin to start seeing more than just Sydney! Until next time, friends, keep it real!