The bush, nothing to do with French women or 70's 'adult entertainment', this is the Australian wild, where everything has a warning painted onto them in fluorescent paint and are all much more willing to kick your arse than the critters back in Blighty.
"Ha haa! Nothing can stop my Tuberculosis!"
Of course not everything is aggressive or filled with poison. Kangaroos are Australia's national symbol and the noisiest and least graceful of all the animals. They do little to disguise their whereabouts as they bound through the woods, crashing into every plant, tree, rodent and making a racket. There are plenty around, to the point that many see them as pests, so they are essentially over-grown rabbits that like to eat your veggies if given half a chance (and they are very edible).
Look at all that hopping meat
They are also as timid as rabbits, as the mere sight of movement sees them bound off to crash through the woods. Which is the complete opposite to the mighty Huntsman spider. These guys are not like most spiders as if you stamp your foot near most spiders they scarper, but these guys just stand their ground with a look that basically says,
"I'm more scared of you than you are of me? Let's test that theory..."
The markings on this guy seemed more about camouflage than anything (because that's how huntsmen operate, no webs, just swift and sudden death dealing) but there are some that have a slightly different tactic/evolutionary path,
So... 'Go faster stripes'?
with brightly coloured lures and warnings that are probably there to trick bugs into flying close as they confuse the bright 'high vis jacket' for a pretty flower, or it's there to scare off birds, either way it must work because there were quite a few hanging out on this cactus (which I have to rip out today).
Of course, no night out in the sticks would be complete without the occasional strange noises. The other day I was watering the plants when I heard a noise, not dissimilar to a dying giraffe.
I've seen Jurrassic Park, and once the noise stopped I went back inside where I realised that kangaroos do look a bit like velociraptors, maybe they are just raptors in fur coats waiting to strike!
"Tonight.... You!"
The similarities are uncanny, long tail, big strong legs with smaller arms, an unquenchable blood-lust... They only evolved proper ears so they could hear the cries of their victims more clearly! Hopefully they are still dumb enough to run into reflective surfaces and... Hang on... If anybody steals this idea for a horror movie then I will sue you so hard your Grandmother will feel it!
So you want to travel to Australia? No doubt there will be lots of people saying how much fun you’re going to have and how jealous they are and how when they did it they had a great time etc. But chances are they won’t tell you the boring bits about tax, Visas, accommodation and all the other things that aren’t ‘laying on the beach’. If there is one thing I like to do most it’s provide valuable information that others may not give, like ‘attacking a nest of bees is not a good idea as they are not as cute and fuzzy as they look and they will sting you into oblivion’.
Or sting you into obscurity...
So here are a few must know tips if you are thinking of spending time in Australia...
1. Working Holiday Visas
Very important if you want to work as you play in Oz. The Visa is linked to your passport number and is activated as soon as you cross customs into the merry old land of Oz. Once activated you have 12 months of Visa, after the 12 months you can extend the Visa by another 12 months (you can only do this once) if you stay in the country with an expired Visa an expert team are sent to hunt you down and feed you to the dingoes (or they may just deport you).
Deport you to HELL!
2. Tax sux!
“Yes tax, that thing that reminds you that just because you are on ‘holiday’ doesn’t mean you can get away with freeloading off the state like the scum you are” – A poster at Sydney Airport
You should get a tax code before travelling to Australia, or you can not know about it and get one when you’re out here like I did. Just search for TFN Application and away you go, it is also linked to your passport number so ‘the man’ can keep tabs on you.
If you do not have a tax code you can still work, but ‘the man’ will take 48% of anything you earn, unless you work illegally in which case you are charged with 48 funnel web spiders direct to your face!
This times 48
3. Insurance
You should get this before you travel out to Oz, you can post date it so your cover starts when your trip does. Be sure to not go for the cheapest deal as it’s cheap for a reason. For example I went for a deal that covers me for 10 million pounds in injuries, which cost £270 (£270 for enough to cover an entire hospital ward), however I did find a deal that cost £100 and covered me for 10 thousand pounds (that covers the anaesthetic and not a whole lot else!)
If you are not insured and you are injured (and not eaten by sharks), Australia and the UK do have some sort of deal where the NHS can help you, but I’m not sure I’d want them sending over a box of dirty scalpels with a note saying ‘This is all we can afford, we hope your affairs are in order’ and promptly being taken to Dr. Shark.
4. Work
I walked down the street and got an interview thanks to my experience in ‘being a lucky piece of shit’, but you may need to look a bit harder. If you want to work as one of those fancy coffee guys you need to take a course. If you want to work in construction you need to take a course. If you want to sell alcohol (eg Bar Work) you will need an RSA (Responsible Sale of Alcohol) certificate (which you get after a course). If you do not have one everybody in a 2 mile radius gets fined and you are sent to the northern territories to work as a crocodile tooth pick.
There are 2 different kinds of RSA, one that covers Sydney (and for an extra $10, Victoria) and another that covers everywhere else. The latter can be obtained online but the Sydney one needs your ugly mug to turn up and sit down for 6 hours. The RSA has no expiry date, but after getting one you may wonder if you actually want the risk of being constantly fined all the time. I'm sure they are still hiring crocodile tooth picks...
It's a good job if you can put up with the cheesy chat up lines
5. Accommodation
There are loads of hostels all over the place, if you look at sites like HostelWorld.com you’ll get a rough idea of costs so you can wince accordingly. One thing I have noticed is that HostelWorld.com doesn’t show ‘cost per week’ but just sticks to ‘cost per day’, however it might be an idea to call/visit the hostel before booking as they may have some ‘long term discounts’. The hostel I’ve chosen has a weekly rate that saves about $7 when compared to just getting 7 days, add that up over a couple of months and you’ve saved $28, which is $28 more than you would have if you just booked online.
The alternative is to sleep on the streets and let the huntsman spiders use your head as a lookout spot.
Your fear sustains them
That’s about all I have for now, no doubt if I think of anything else I’ll post it with more pictures of dangerous creatures and funny captions.
